Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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