R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I love having hate sex.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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