He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
