I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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