two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Randomize
