he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
