Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
