Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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