If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
