Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
