I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
