Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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