Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
