I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
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