Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
