Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
