I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Randomize
