Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
