So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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