I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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