i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
