Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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