the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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