Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
