When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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