I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
