1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
where are my pants?
in the oven.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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