kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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