Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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