I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
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