apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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