i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Randomize
