Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
