The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize