you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
