im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Randomize