I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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