I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
