His apartment number was 69. I had to.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
