I wish I could teleport
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Please don't give away my fajitas
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
