Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
