the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
