Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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