I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
you didnt know i had herpes?
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
