and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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