P.S. I can't hear my feet
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
