I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
