Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I wear drunk well.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
