Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize