I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Randomize
