How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
