Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
