i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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