I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
