I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
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