how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
