Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
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