Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
I think I won the penis lottery.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
