STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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